Rewriting Bad Long Copy Advertisements.

As a writer, I try to challenge myself every day across as many mediums as possible. Poetry, memoirs, fiction, screenplays, and you name it. I take my craft very seriously to be as dynamic as possible to be able to write for anyone or commit to any project at any given time. Here is my latest challenge where I will be rewriting long copy for company websites, which is a form of brochure advertising.

Here are my takeaways thus far from examining what poorly executed long copy is:

Five Key Takeaways of what Bad Copy is.

  1. Asking more questions than giving solutions
  2. Bad use of adjectives and too many words
  3. Bad call to action (CTA).
  4. Narcissism (Me Me Me).
  5. Asking for money right away.

Solutions to Bad Ads.

  1. Choose sensory adjectives that convey a clear meaning
  2. Omit Superlatives like “Very or One of a kind”.
  3. Don’t use the “Ly” in your words
  4. Don’t use basic descriptors, use descriptors that apply to the industry.
  5. Take your time and don’t be sloppy, get second and third opinions.

Here are the three examples of long copy that I will rewrite, and the reasons why they are not well executed.

  1. Mass Mutual Screen shot 2018-06-26 at 1.30.29 PM.png

People visiting this site are not interested in you, and they are more interested in what you can do for them. Leave out the company history on the front page. People want to know what you can do to help them and etc. This tells me nothing.


  • Title: MassMutual Nebraska
  • Subtitle: Growing Your Financial Portfolio
  • Replace “Who We Are” with “Let’s Get Started”.
  • The short paragraph below:
    • Whether it is your Roth IRA, 401k, or your overall stock portfolio, our analysts provide professional insight into the marketplace, making well executed financial decisions to grow your wealth. By understanding your goals and financial situation, we are able to increase your wealth with our proven detail-oriented design strategy. No client has a one size fit all financial situation, and that is why we tailor to your needs in order for our analysts to maximize your wealth, propelling you for financial freedom for the future.

2. Rareloop

Screen shot 2018-06-26 at 1.47.58 PM.png

Here, we have a terrible call to action. What do you even do? I need to see what you can do for me. There are too many fluffy adjectives such as passionate, expert, and crafting. This is an excellent example of lazy writing because it is evident that the copywriter wrote what came to mind. I don’t even know what products that they make.


  • Enlarge the size of the name of the company. It would be better if they put it front and center of this page.
  • Change heading to “We Are Online Media Masters.”
    • Pose a question or statement.
    •  How Can we Enhance your Digital Presence?
    • 1. Create a Mobile Application.
    • 2. Web design.
    • 3. Branding.
    • 4. Logos and Graphics.
    • 5. Video.

Our well-experienced media specialists will craft your brand to stand out from the rest. Partner up with our team, click here, and we will get started on how we can bring out your company’s fullest potential. Let’s begin.

3. Email marketing from an unknown source.

Screen shot 2018-06-26 at 2.08.48 PM.png

This is a prime example of brand narcissism, “Me Me Me.” There are too many unnecessary adjectives that do not pertain to what they are selling. Do you also see that I do not even know who this email is from, what company it is, and why they are writing to me? This is way too long, and horribly written because it seems as if it was written one time. If you are going to take the long writing email marketing approach, we need to remember that people will read good writing even if it is very long. The design of this email looks very amateur, and there are many websites that can make your outreach look very professional, without the design being obnoxious and outdated like an AOL email back in the early 2000’s. The design makes me feel like it is from a foreign prince who is urgently emailing me asking for money. People have seen this wording, and bragging before 1000000 times. Ten years ago this would be really cool and catch people’s attention in the email world. 


  • Title: “Multiply your Profits with Effective Copywriting Techniques.”
  • Subtext: Introducing our groundbreaking eBook, “$1,000,000 Copywriting Secrets.”
  • Paragraphs and Main Message:
    • Would you like $1,000,0000 worth of copywriting secrets so that you can market your products and services effectively online? Copywriting is the most critical skill because your ad copy acts as your online salesmen who generate your sales. Our proven copywriting method will increase your product profits and revenue. No matter how great your product is, it is vital that you pair it with a good copy because, without it, your company will disappear amongst your competition.
    • Our online eBook, “$1,000,000 Copywriting Secrets”, a groundbreaking guide for your brand to be in control of your business and the profits that it generates for you. With our innovative methods, you will be able to create sales and earnings at any time. Write like a professional copywriter, and it will enhance your company’s results. It is as easy as that. Copywriting is the simple solution to separating your business from your competition.

In conclusion, I am no expert when it comes to long copy. This was merely an exercise, and since I have completed it, I have come to realize that this is a skill that I want to develop a prowess in for the future. If you have any thoughts, ideas, or comments on how I can make my long copy better, please comment below as I am still learning the tricks of the trade.


“The Zos Knows”

-David Zosel

If you want to support my writing and for me to be able to create more content you can make a donation to either of these links:

Venmo or Patreon

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