Here is a small excerpt from my first book, “Gray Poopon”, which is the first volume of my series, “Conquering the Gifted Curse of Bipolarism”. This is a real-time memoir of the changes that I go through with prescription medication to aid my Bipolar 1 Disorder. This is a documentation of slowly discovering powerful interior and exterior changes while taking medication. This is extremely personal information where I provide brutal honesty regarding my fears, current life adversity, self-betterment, and the quest to finding balance.
CS Lewis says in his preface of his novella, The Great Divorce, “ I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road. A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on.”
Then Lewis goes on to say, “Evil can be undone, but it cannot ‘develop’ into good. Time does not heal it”. If I’ve done something wrong it cannot be fixed because time has passed, I have to fix it myself. If I want to be a better person then I have to go down the right road to greatness. Last, if I were to go down the wrong road, I would have to go back and fix it. Two steps forward, one step backwards would apply to that. This is why heaven and hell can never be married; they are different essences. Heaven and hell in my case would be mania and depression, but in this case it can be married and it is called equilibrium. But, I want to call it “Phi”, the golden spiral, which correlates to how symmetrical balance is perceived to be life’s beauty because it is beautiful to those who view its balance.
CS Lewis wants us to know that life is full of choices and once we make those choices, we cannot go back because of the constraints of time. I cannot give up on my journey of my medication and using it to aid my self-betterment. This is because once we take a path and make a decision we shouldn’t give up and go back to take the other path again. This applies to me because I need to stay strong to my self-discipline, perseverance, and commitment. The theme in this novel is that Lewis wants us to understand the ideas of salvation through the metaphors of heaven versus hell.
The bottom line is that I am happy about this slow transformation and I am not used to feeling healthy like this at all. With this Gray Poopon regiment, at my dosage level I am starting to see the light of salvation, but that light at the end of the tunnel is very far away.
When I gave up on medication before, I sunk into a major dark spot in my life because I realized what I was capable of. Knowing that you are bipolar or any mental health disorder changes everything for you if you’re are conscious of it. Some people have no control of their self-aware consciousness about it because they mentally cannot. If we can be capable of this then I truly believe that is the first step in the right direction. The next step would be the acceptance of it.
But my determination kicked in when I was diagnosed, and I became hell bent on getting better because I knew that in order for me to fight this beast, I had to relearn how to do practically everything. From talking to people, eating out, handling myself in public to getting into a healthy routine. Everything had to be relearned.
54 This is my second renaissance phase. Right now, I have to relearn everything all over again because feeling centered is so foreign to me.
Good thing that this Grey Poopon (Lamictal) doesn’t make me want to kill myself. Most importantly, I am happy that I have not consumed alcohol for 22 days now and this has helped me rediscover myself.
Handling relationships, social situations, routines, work ethic; the whole nine yards are all in the process of being relearned.
“You’re like Chinese food, Lo mein. I get on up like a soul train. Down low like a U-boat. My voice is so sweet like a canary song. Open your book it is time for a read along. I feel fresh like a jar of Grey Poupon. Just got a haircut, can finally scratch my neutrons. Beat you at Nintendo 64, Tron. That’s right I’m the Bozzy Bentley running marathons.”
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“The Zos Knows”
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