As Minnesota Vikings fans all over across Vikingland sit nervously after the bye week in anticipation of the bout versus the Washington Redskins, I cannot fathom the fear in the back of my mind of the impending plane crash that may or may not happen this season with the Minnesota Vikings. At 6-2, we are in a position to win the big game this year. Oh, and baby, this is it. If you ever meet me and look at my forearms, you will see purple scars on them from every bit of bad luck that many Viking fans have witnessed in our franchise history. But things are about to change for the better.

Over the past twenty NFL seasons, there is only one explanation of the misery of the string of unfortunate events that lay victim to Minnesota Vikings fans; we are cursed. As we saw Dalvin Cook go down with a knee injury on October 1^st (2017) against the Detroit Lions, it further cements the idea of the next great sports curse. When our sensational rookie went down, it made many think that as Viking fans that we cannot have nice things. Since Teddy Bridgewater’s what was thought to be a career-ending injury, I have heavily researched why this franchise has had so much bad luck. Moreover, after long hours of theorizing and researching the four dimensions of franchise history, The Viking age, broadcast history, and Viking folklore, I have come up with many conspiracies of why our franchise is best friends with the bad luck monster. Despite all of the wild ideas, I have come up with partial and full proof solutions to the “The Curse of Thor’s Missing Mjollinar”.

My first theory that I came up with that causes our franchises agony was because of the Christianization of Scandinavia during the Viking Age. Why did such a powerful conglomerate group of scavenging seafarers suddenly disappear? The answer is because of the mass conversion of Christianity that came from the hands of Charlemagne’s Christian Empire, The Pope, and the Crusades. Without raiding, the Viking culture does not exist. The Minnesota Vikings play football, representing the Norse-rooted Christian state of Minnesota. It is quite the oxymoron because the Viking’s were the most powerful people in the world until their christening. We have had a football team that wears kryptonite rung around their necks, which is represented by Christianity since we live in a predominantly Christian state that cheers for a team whose demise was due to religious conversion.

Do any of the Ten Commandments comply with the Viking warrior culture and lifestyle? No, and that is why this group of people disappeared due to the conformity of religious conversion which involves the strict following of the Decalogue

Next, I speculated that the Viking warriors were not a united group of people. They never were a big-time empire or ruled any lands. They just raided and explored new lands that created groundbreaking discoveries in the known world. As most would know, the Minnesota Vikings have never won a Super Bowl (conquering) or have become a dynasty (winning multiple championships). But, we have had a long history of very individualistic players who have broken new ground in American Football. Mike Zimmer’s defense is a great example because every year he has revolutionized the way defense is played in the NFL, according to many players. Randy Moss is another perfect example of this because he changed the way wide receivers approach the game and the way defensive backs defend. I do not believe that from our fans, front office, and to our front lines, we have been a united nation of Vikings. Is the problem that there is not enough unity? Could it be that there is 75/20/10 split of Viking, Packer and Bears fans in the Land of 10,000 Lakes? There are not as many Viking fans in Wisconsin as there is in Minnesota. Should we kick out all Packers fans in Minnesota in order to unite as one nation of Vikings? Maybe we can all unite to break this curse. But, I do not think this extreme form of action will work because it is unrealistic.

“… a man from the land where the river ends will travel to the land where the river begins… will lead his people to victory wearing purple and a helmet with  horns…”

– Nostradamus

Next, I examined the stereotype or racial slur theory. Have you noticed teams such as the Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Washington Redskins are all teams that seem to disrespect and offend groups of people? Yes, that is called racism because their mascots represent the stereotyping of a group of people. But, teams like the Boston Celtics and Montreal Canadians are not considered racist or offensive because of their Caucasian complexion? Both categories are actually equally offensive because they represent and highlight unrealistic images of different people. Is naming the team the “Vikings” really a racist or offensive concept because they were a group of Caucasian-Scandinavian people.

There are two other teams in the NFL that have similar names to the Vikes. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Oakland Raiders, have very similar names that represent the same concept of people. But, yet they have Super Bowl rings and we do not. Here is why, because Oakland represents the concept of raiding. On the other hand, Tampa Bay represents a type of pirate that sailed the Carribean: A buccaneer. But, the etymology of this word stems from the Caribbean term “buccan”, which was a wood frame that hunters used to cook meat. Then this influenced the French word “boucane”, meaning to hunt. Therefore, the Raiders and Bucs represent the concepts of raiding and hunting. The origin of the term “Viking” comes from the word Vik and or Viken depending on what your belief is. These terms mean “small bay, creek, inlet” and “People of Viken” concluding the fact that the Vikings represent a stereotype of a group of people.

Could our mascot represent a false interpretation of people, which could be deemed as offensive or racist? After all, Vikings never wore horned helmets, but yet our football team does? In 2017, that could be deemed as offensive. More importantly, this may upset the Norse God’s. They may frown upon the fact that we have horns and our colors are purple and yellow. The Norse God’s may also possibly despise the fact that our mascot has a mustache looking like Hulk Hogan.

This is why the Geico ads are funny about Cavemen. The last time we all checked, there are no cavemen in this day and age that can protest those commercials, as there are no Vikings to do the same. So, is our football-team just a borderline-offensive representation of our state and the Norse God’s are punishing us for it?

No. That can’t be the complete reason for this curse on our franchise.

Other things that lead to the downfall of the Viking age could be due to the feudal system, which was the beginning of the creation of assimilating societies, and the peace and truce of God. This reflects our franchise history of major misfortune. Fans have come to peace with the fact that nothing can go our way. We expect it to happen and it just isn’t good karma. The ever-changing rules and regulations have always seemed to hurt us in very subtle ways. For example, when the NFL changed the PAT to a longer yardage, Blair Walsh started missing many field goals.

Those were just a few theories that I have kicked around in my head in the past year. But, after seeing my Viking warriors (players) drop like rain, such as Dalvin Cook, Sam Bradford, Teddy Bridgewater and even seeing Adrian Peterson repeatedly injured, I have noticed a pattern of hardship from Paul Allen ever since he has become our radio broadcaster since 2002. With his booming influential voice, he has the power to instill habitual optimism that he imparts amongst fans.

Do not get me wrong, I love Paul Allen and it may or may not be his fault for the tragedies of our franchise during his tenure.

But, here is why he mythically has cursed us.

Paul Allen is not a native Minnesotan, which means that he is a converted Vikings fan. His love grew first for the Vikings when he moved to Minnesota around the late 1990’s when he worked at Canterbury Park for horse racing. After the 1998 season, he began to bleed purple. In 2002, this elite football mind became the voice of the franchise. His nine-to-noon radio show on KFAN has been the cathedral-like platform for all Vikings fans, making us feel hope and that the football God’s are on our side to lead us to a victorious Super Bowl.

Paul’s powerful voice, football analysis, sense of hope, and imparting optimism is very dangerous because of the brainwashing that stems from it. Adrian Peterson was nothing without Paul Allen’s persistence of persuasion and the same goes towards Teddy Bridgewater. The statements that he makes on the radio, with his exciting enthusiasm as a play caller make me truly believe that we are going to win the Super Bowl every year.

Paul Allen is the Pope of Viking Nation because he is the voice. The Viking Age came to an end because of the Pope’s leadership and voice of influence. Paul Allen’s influence amongst us people may have slowly decimated our football team’s hopes of winning a championship every year since 2002. Seriously, have you ever met Paul Allen? He says “God bless you” every single time he is done talking to you. Does that sound like something that the Pope would say?

History shows that Popes and Vikings go together like water and oil. So, there has to be something fishy going on with the aura of our franchise. If you listen to his show sometimes, he even says things like “Can I get an Amen” and other things that resemble Sunday Church like the gospel funk soul music that is played. He is the Pope of Viking Nation and his radio show is our cathedral.

Let’s examine the historical facts prior to Paul Allen’s inaugural year in 2002.

In 1969, we won an NFL championship, but the trophy is lost or stolen. Ironically, the Vikes played the Cleveland Browns, another franchise plagued with bad luck. They also won the championship in Minneapolis, making it a strange omen for the 2017 season.

The Vikings went to four Super Bowls in ’69, ’73, ’74 and 1976. They also won 16 division championships and had 18 Pro Football Hall of Famer’s who played and coached for us between 1961 and 2001. During those years of Super Bowl runs, we had very few losses in a dominating era. We also played in seven NFC Championship games, eight in total, which is the fourth most in the NFC Conference, which is one more than our hated rival, the Green Bay Packers. With that, why do we still not have a Super Bowl?

Here is the rundown post-Paul “The Pope” Allen’s arrival.

Take note that this sample size of facts is much smaller than what had happened forty years prior to Paul Allen’s arrival in 2002. During his second year of being a broadcaster, all the Vikings had to do was beat a mediocre Arizona Cardinals team, who had five wins. Yes, the Vikings lost that game during the final play of the year and everyone remembers Paul Allen’s illustrious battle cry, screaming “NOOOO!” That sound bite may have defined our franchise’s history of bad luck, putting a lid on all of our hopes of ever winning a Super Bowl because the Norse God’s agreed with Paul Allen’s moment of honest emotional content.

Most notably, the Vikings have made it to only one NFC championship game in which we lost to the Saints. Do you see the connection? The New Orleans Saints are a franchise with a mascot that represents Roman-Catholicism in a French Cajun Culture. The Vikings were defeated by the conversion of Christianity and the 2009 Vikings, lead by Brett Favre; a man from the land where the river ends who traveled to the land where the river begins, in which he was prophesized to lead the Vikings to victory wearing purple and a helmet with horns, only to fall short to the Saints, a people who represented the exceptional holiness of Christianity.

Now let’s go down the idiosyncrasies that people overlook when it comes to our bad luck.

1. In 2003, we started the year 6-0 only to be the second team in history to miss the playoffs, thanks to Arizona’s last-second fourth and 28^th touchdown.
2. Randy Moss’ infamous touchdown dance against Green Bay, making the Vikings look like a distasteful and un-classy organization.
3. Randy Moss walks off the field against the Washington Redskins during a crucial moment in the 2005 season.
4. Randy Moss wanted to leave the Vikings after seven seasons to win a Super Bowl elsewhere.

Yeah I know, “Moss this, Moss that, Moss this, Moss that.”

5. Daunte Culpepper goes down with a season-ending knee injury the year after Moss leaves, giving us no hope of any offensive threats to aid us in a Super Bowl.
6. The infamous Vikings party boat scandal on the prestigious Lake Minnetonka, forever shaming that sacred water with drugs, excess and prostitution.
7. The 16 quarterbacks who have started games for the Vikings since the inception of his broadcasting career.
8. We were the last stop on Brett Favre’s five-year retirement tour. This lead to the concept of continuing to sign older veteran quarterbacks. Remember Donovan McNabb?
9. Multiple fumbles from Adrian Peterson that happened during crucial moments in his nine-year tenure as a Viking.
10. Unfortunate and untimely injuries from many players such as Adrian Peterson, Christian Ponder, Brett Favre, Teddy Bridgewater and recently Dalvin Cook.

Those are only just ten terrible things that have happened since 2002! For cripes sake, I didn’t even mention Blair Walsh’s 27-yard missed field-goal in the playoffs in 2015 or the 5-0 start that we had to fall to 8-8 in the 2016 season yet.

Paul “The Pope” Allen’s sample size of bad luck, injuries, fumbles and off-field scandals is much smaller than 40 years prior, but there has just been a more condensed series of unfortunate events that have happened to our franchise since his arrival in 2002. Is Paul Allen to blame for all of this? No, he could just so happen to be the right broadcaster at the wrong time. Before he was here we made it to four Super Bowls and none since his arrival. But as of late, Paul Allen has made us all believe that with our defense that this is the year that the Vikings can do it. With Super Bowl LII in Minneapolis, it is time to take what is finally ours.

The last time the Vikings won a championship it was in Minnesota in 1969. The Ed Thorp Memorial Trophy was awarded to the Vikings and it was the last year that the NFL championship was played. If you look in any NFC stadium, you cannot find the Ed Thorp Memorial Trophy because like the Stanley Cup, it stays with the winning team for that year. The Vikings were the last team to win this trophy, technically making us the reigning NFL champions since 1969. No one knows where The Ed Thorp Memorial Trophy’s whereabouts are. The trophy is lost and so is our credibility as champions.

Just like Dalvin Cook, Teddy Bridgewater, and a Super Bowl Trophy, the missing Ed Thorp Trophy proves that the Vikings cannot have nice things. The one championship that the Vikings have won doesn’t even exist in our trophy case. This is unbeknownst to the Ed Thorp Memorial Curse making it one of the most oblivious curses in North American Sports. But does a missing trophy really validate a curse? With all of the theories that I have come up with, the dots connect and make sense.

This is why I am rebranding this curse because it needs further explanation, laying out the dots that connect to make further sense. The missing Ed Thorp Trophy represents Thor’s stolen hammer. Don’t you see it? Ed “Thor-p”. Thor’s bloody name is inside Ed Thorp’s name! In Viking folklore, “Thor’s Stolen Hammer” is one of the most popular tales. In its pagan mythology, there is an eternal conflict between the Vikings and the Giants. Thor among the gods was deemed as the defender of both the divine and human realms, making him the Giant destroyer. His mjollinar was stolen by one of the Giants and they refused to return it unless the goddess Freyja married the Giant. Thor then dresses up as the beautiful bride to be and rides into Giantland in disguise. When the Mjollinar is presented to the disguised bride, Thor unmasks himself, seizing the hammer and destroys the Giant with a single blow.

Do you think that in the 2000 NFC Championship game was a coincidence that we lost 41-0 against the New York Giants? The Minnesota Vikings do not have Thor’s hammer, which is the Ed Thorp Trophy. We need to get our hammer back because, without Mjollinar (Ed Thorp Trophy), Thor and the Vikings are nothing. This is possibly the reason why we have not been able to win a title because we do not have the Ed Thorp Memorial Trophy because it was lost or stolen, just like Thor’s hammer. But Thor won it back so, what can we do to break the “Curse of Thor’s Hammer”? Well, there are two major ways that Vikings fans can go about this.

I have a few minor ideas, such as incorporating Thor’s hammer as an alternate logo. Maybe getting a Thor mascot might do the trick. Or, maybe a memorial of Norse God’s outside of US Bank Stadium will pay homage to our Viking roots. Imagine seeing Thor, Oden, and Loki as bronze statues, wearing Tarkenton, Allen, and Moss jerseys. Despite our predominately Christian culture, this could possibly pay tribute enough to the Norse God’s that the Vikings once worshiped during their age of dominance and raiding, in order to free us from the curse and to win a Super Bowl.

Optimistically speaking, our Skol chant may be a slight solution as well because, within our new stadium, we have been consistently winning games at home. This chant may be a great homage to the Norse God’s who may have started to bring luck to our side (The Packers are 0-2 at US Bank Stadium).

Even as a subtle tribute, it would be a beautiful sight to see a bronze hammer stuck in the ground for fans to take pictures in the attempt to lift it out of the ground. This could be a rebranded replica of the Ed Thorp Memorial Trophy saying that the Vikings are the reigning NFL champions since 1969 and that we must defend it. It should also have inscriptions of the other teams that have won it as well.

Another partial solution in which Paul “The Pope” Allen can play a major role in reversing the curse along with KFAN by announcing to the fans that we need to find the lost Ed Thorp Trophy. This may reverse the curse and all of the bad luck that our beloved broadcaster has endured for us with his habitual optimism and his infamous battle cry of “No”, which has stuck in the minds of fans since 2003.

But, the only way to break a curse is to beat it. You can do all of the fun shamanistic offerings to the Norse and Football Gods, find a lost/stolen hammer (Trophy), make historical and folklore connections to our franchise, but this is the year that we need to capitalize on winning a championship. Why? The last time we won was when our team played in Minnesota for the championship being victorious over the Cleveland Browns. Granted we hosted the Super Bowl in the Metrodome, but that stadium was shared with two other sports teams and was a funky multi-sports complex. US Bank Stadium is ours and we need to defend our land with home-field advantage in the playoffs. Rest assure that our dominating defensive core is in its prime, along with an offense that has potential to make a big dent in the league. In order to break the “Curse of Thor’s Stolen Mjollnir”, we need to hammer home a Super Bowl when the game is played on our home turf.

Do you want my prediction? Well, this is the year that we hammer it home. When we are victorious, remember who told you first:

The Zos did.

Remember, “The Zos Knows”. 

-David Zosel

If you want to support my writing and for me to be able to create more content you can make a donation to either of these links:

Venmo or Patreon

I will give 10% of the proceeds to ONETREEPLANTED, a charity that plant trees to restore life to degraded lands all over the world. For every dollar donated there will be one tree planted.