This is my confession of acceptance to the world. I suffer from the severe Bipolar disorder that I have and it has really held me back thus far in my mid-twenties. Do not feel sorry for me because this is my “Gifted Curse”.
After finally growing tired of waking up everyday feeling like a different person during my non-medicated stint of bipolar disorder, I made a change for myself because it was the right time in my life to move forward to nullify the constant disbalance in my life.
Four years ago I started to notice a higher power that was comparable to when a superhero discovers their powers. My friends and family viewed it differently as I fell into serious insomnia, racing thoughts, decreased appetite, and my mouth could never keep up with how fast my brain was moving.
At the time I thought that this was the greatest thing ever, seriously, despite my physical state my life was a holiday. I could access every part of my brain, and now I could finally put it all together and use it to conquer the world.
The way I viewed my changes was as if I had become a super mutant in X-Men. Whereas all of my friends and family became very concerned about me. I wasn’t capable of knowing the reality that I was in because of my delusional mania.
From five projects I was suddenly doing 20. There was one point that I kept dropping things in my apartment going from one task to another. I was walking back and forth fleeing from one thing to another, finding myself always out of breath. From working, financing a short film, promoting a Kickstarter, moving, starting a business, writing a screenplay, and with the list that ensued I was ready to take over the world.
When inspiration struck every five seconds, I furiously wrote them down in a booklet. Now, I can’t even read the maniacal handwriting. Then I started breaking glasses, furniture, and getting paper cuts accidentally.
It became clear to everyone, except me.
They told me to get help, and I refused to listen. I was flourishing and no one could stop me from reaching my potential.
It is hard to recollect the phone calls or what my diabolical plan was to take over the world through filmmaking, entrepreneurship, my own 747 private jet filled with champagne and perfect 10 models, and all the excess that I could achieve at age 21.
Darkness struck and I do not remember any of the details of the 48 hours that transitioned me into a very spine-chilling life chapter.
Then I woke up in a detained room in a hospital. For the next part of my life, I spent time in a psychiatric ward at North Memorial Hospital being informed that I had type I Bipolar Disorder.
I couldn’t accept it. Every day I tried to get out of that wretched place trying to convince everyone that I was fine. Compared to everyone else, I was happy and they were all sad. But, you cannot compare your situation to others, ever.
After being pumped with many of drugs, I vowed to never go back again. The aftermath of being released to the outside showed me life wouldn’t be the same as I found myself being reborn into something that I didn’t understand.
I scared all of my close friends away. The only people that I had in my circle was my therapist and family. I am thankful that I had my family because people who go through this sometimes don’t even have that.
After months of medication, hair loss, weight gain, and medically induced suicidal thoughts, slowly I eased myself back into a gray life. Then I decided to stop medicating in order to discover who I truly was.
Since then I have documented all of my tendencies with the help of my therapist. Last year in the fall of 2016, I learned that bad things happen in threes. With all of the natural things that I did to combat Bipolar Disorder, I could not handle insomnia, delusions, paranoia, stress, and all of the brewing mania. With one slip up, I could have gone back to the hospital. With me seeing these changes, and finally knowing myself better than everyone else, I made the decision to commit to a medication that I had never tried before, Lamictal.
I call it “Gray Poopon”, the title of my first volume in my book series, “Conquering the Gifted Curse”. This is the world’s first written in real time memoir, as I document every change that I go through with medication along with my life and how I handle my problems. The etymology for the title came from the fear of what medication can do. I didn’t want to lose my productivity, bravado, and ambition. I am horrified of feeling gray and pooped on by Lamictal. All I want in my life was to feel like a fresh jar of Grey Poupon.
Reality is now the hard part that is beginning. Now I am sharing with people my three-part documented journey with medication, self-betterment, and life problem solving to find balance in the life of a swaying monstrous mindset. I have never been so scared, but I am giving it all to the world.
I am sharing my journey to provide vital information, swallowing my pride and shallow secrets. On January 5th of 2018, I am releasing “Gray Poopon”, my first book on Amazon. I need to do this in order to help people with mental illnesses. Releasing my problems to the world is going to help students, psychiatrists, and people understand their loved ones with mental health issues. I just want to help someone because I didn’t have any guide to this and maybe this will be the perfect help to someone. After reading numerous books, memoirs, stories, and blogs I really wished that I had something as specific as this because taking prescription medication is a terrifying.
This is my “Gifted Curse” and I have accepted who I am. Despite the adversity of it seriously holding me back, I have great advantages and it is no excuse.
“I am now learning to get my life on, harnessing this X-men power by the hour, getting my superhero on, with Charles Xavier naming me The Gray Poopon.”
Remember, “The Zos Knows”.
If you want to support my writing and for me to be able to create more content you can make a donation to either of these links:
I will give 10% of the proceeds to ONETREEPLANTED, a charity that plant trees to restore life to degraded lands all over the world. For every dollar donated there will be one tree planted.