Here is a small excerpt from my first book, “Gray Poopon”, which is the first volume of my series, “Conquering the Gifted Curse of Bipolarism”. This is a real-time memoir of the changes that I go through with prescription medication to aid my Bipolar 1 Disorder. This is a documentation of slowly discovering powerful interior and exterior changes while taking medication. This is extremely personal information where I provide brutal honesty regarding my fears, current life adversity, self-betterment, and the quest to finding balance.
This stuff is so real. I am furthering into adulthood, struggling with my bipolar disorder, trying to launch my career as an international man of prowess. The only thing I can control is my own health right now.
I could be making zero dollars and if I was mentally healthy, I’d be forever grateful. But, my mental health isn’t quite there yet and I’m tired of being a hurdle that I keep trying to jump over.
But, I am getting closer and closer.
Back when I was younger I was a pretty damn good hockey player. I was always the best on my team until I got to high school. I played hockey frustrated for four years in high school. There was a lot that went into this but to make things short, my best friend Remy Williams reminded me that you can’t play hockey well when you are holding the stick too tight because you are frustrated and that anyone in the world should know about this that it should be me. I played hockey with a chip on my shoulder and was absolutely pissed off at the world for four years. If you are frustrated, being angry isn’t going to help you do things well or make your life better. You need to clear your head and keep moving forward.
Everything is a process.
Basically, I am dealing with frustration for the first time that I feel centered with my life and I am not sure how to handle it.
Do you want more truth? I am a loser, a loveable one at that. The only way I have to go is up from here. There are no limits if you are at rock bottom. This is because I am a first round draft pick who was a bust. I got to go to the best schools, meeting great people, and I messed it all up due to my mental conditions. This is not an excuse anymore. I am moving forward and becoming better.
I’m not going to sell myself short because I have ambition and high hopes for myself with the type of drive that one needs to obtain their dreams. Without those things, I’d have no hope.
Making my parents proud is important to me. I want to be the best son that there is. I feel like I am nowhere near that because I have this expectation of myself and they have their own expectations of me. I am not even proud of myself so how can I make them proud?
My whole progression of life has always been two-step forwards one step back. Forget it, I believe in myself. I am not a loser at all. I have the ability to believe in myself and that is a very powerful notion. The upside is that I at least get to go one step forward. I can be thankful for that.
The good news is that in the last week at work, whenever my parents have usually stressed me out, I didn’t freak out or snap at them.
It was like my “X” factor has slowly diminished. I hope it continues to do so.
Right now, I have to relearn how to deal with every new emotion under the sun with this newly found centered state of mind. It is hard work. I feel like a baby learning how to walk for the first time. I do not know if any psychiatrist can relate to this at all.
But, treading water like this has never felt so great. I should be happy that I am going through this phase at age 24 versus 42. For people that may be going through something similar to me in any regard at an older age, be gracious that you have discovered something about yourself and you now know what you have to do to improve the quality of your life.
Want to read more?
If you would like to purchase a copy of my book on Amazon, here is the link to get your paperback copy.
Also, if you prefer the Kindle version, here is the link to purchase your ebook.
“The Zos Knows”
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