Here is a small excerpt from my first book, “Gray Poopon”, which is the first volume of my series, “Conquering the Gifted Curse of Bipolarism”. This is a real-time memoir of the changes that I go through with prescription medication to aid my Bipolar 1 Disorder. This is a documentation of slowly discovering powerful interior and exterior changes while taking medication. This is extremely personal information where I provide brutal honesty regarding my fears, current life adversity, self-betterment, and the quest to finding balance.
1/16/17
Mania has always controlled my life, and depression has severely prevented me from life itself. Now, it is time for me to stare this demon in the eye and take it down. I want to start this journey with an exercise. First, I want you to inhale and then exhale through your mouth. Do it again. Now, do it faster then scream, “ahh” every two times. Next, do this ten times fast. Last, imagine “William Tell Overture” slowly playing while you do that. This is how my life and mind work, causing me to never flourish the way that I wanted to. There are too many ambitions, ideas and aspirations that I wanted to obtain in this life, but this problem, my struggle of my severe bipolar disorder has caused me to encounter major setbacks in my life.
Now, imagine breathing like Darth Vader slowly when you wake up and then it continues like that for the rest of the day. Then your day feels hopeless as you move like a sloth. Depression is the worst when you’re bipolar because you are so far deep down on this spectrum that it is worse than being diagnosed with actual depression. Now, imagine feeling like this for nine to eleven months straight after a manic episode that recently occurred for three to five months of hearing, “William Tell Overture” in your head all of the time.
I hate waking up everyday feeling like a different person. The only person that I want to be is my best self, David. There are so many alter egos that I have when I wake up. This has destroyed me in my early adulthood, but I am tired of this stupid excuse because it isn’t an excuse anymore. Ever since my diagnosis of bipolar disorder two years ago, I have made an effort to neutralize and improve my mental health everyday through shear determination, willpower, and without medication. My therapist says that I am one of few who she has seen in 20 plus years who has worked so hard with no medications to get better. But, I can’t shake it at to sustain a state of equilibrium for more than a few days.
It is time to try something new because I need help. This demon is going to be destroyed, and it is time for me to take my life back so I can live with discipline, spontaneity, freedom, and the creativity in the controlled fashion that I want to.
Prescription medications are the worst. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder over two and a half years ago, and I have chosen to battle this demon or angel without medication. Nevertheless, it has been rough. The pills they made me take in the hospital made me feel like a normal person. Who wants to feel normal? It was disgusting. I wanted to kill myself. So, I decided not to take prescribed medications for bipolar disorder. You may have heard of Lithium and Depakote because those are mainstream bipolar disorder treatments. Those are stupid names. Do you want to hear an even dumber name, Lamictal? Yes, medication names are dumb. Let’s be honest; I am going to re-brand this drug calling it “Gray Poopon,” spelling it like the color and how I assumed it will make me feel, pooped on. Let’s be honest, taking Lamictal is either going to make me feel like a fresh jar of Grey Poupon or like a Gray Poopon. I don’t know what the answer will be to that is yet. But, this is going to be an account of my yearlong journey of taking Gray Poopon. Hopefully, by the end of the experience, I’ll be on your futon spreading your girl like Grey Poupon, not feeling like a Gray Poopon. Which one of those results do you want for me?
Want to read more?
If you would like to purchase a copy of my book on Amazon, here is the link to get your paperback copy.
Also, if you prefer the Kindle version, here is the link to purchase your ebook.
Remember,
“The Zos Knows”
-David Zosel
Zos Knows 